Fighting insecurity

8th grade wasn’t the best year for me. I remember the day I was able to barely squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans that were a size or two smaller than what I usually wore. I was so excited because every other girl at my school was a size zero and gosh darn it, I was going to fit in (even though my jeans were nowhere near size zero). I felt bigger and more awkward than any of my friends, who all wore the nicest brands of clothes and had perfect makeup every day (I mean, in 8^th grade? My blue eye shadow was no match for them). Let’s get something straight: I’m not blameless here. I realize that I wasn’t as “big” as I saw myself, and that I was being dramatic. I was 13. I was stuck in a state of comparison and surrounded by a bunch of Texas beauty queens. In my eyes, everyone looked like they were 24 when they were 13 (except me). I didn’t feel like I met the conventional standard of beauty. Later that day when I arrived in my band class, I was standing at my locker when a trumpet player passed me. He sped past, but the cold words that he quickly whispered penetrated my ears and made me stop in my tracks.

“Your jeans are way too tight.”

First of all, rude. This may seem like no big deal, but to a hormonal and unstable 14-year-old girl, those words were the BIGGEST DEAL EVER. After all my efforts to make myself cooler, I had seriously failed. I knew that I looked and acted differently than all the other girls. After adding 25 pounds to my body over the summer, my self-confidence took a dramatic hit. I wanted to cover my legs and run away. If he had noticed, who else had? When I put on my cheer uniform, who was in the stands pointing and laughing at Ashlyn, who was not proportional to the other girls? These ridiculous thoughts flooded my mind every second of every day, and even creep in now, over 5 years later.

As a Christian, there are so many words that I hear that I want to believe. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:13 NIV) “We are God’s masterpiece” (every pastor ever, usually referencing Ephesians 2:10). These are words that I always wanted to believe, but just couldn’t. If I truly was a masterpiece, why did I look at myself with such disdain? I never felt like I was good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. I couldn’t go a day without looking in a mirror and being discontent. It was so easy to agree with what God said, but only believe the lies that Satan was whispering to me.

Learning to ignore and block out Satan’s lies has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Once you allow his words in, getting them out of your heart is incredibly difficult. However- I know exactly what my issue was. I was allowing Satan’s lies into an area where God wanted to let His Holy Spirit move. In her book “In Bloom”, Kayla Aimee says that “the only words that truly define us are the red-letter ones.” (Page 20 (if you’re unfamiliar with or confused about this sentence, many bibles print the words of Jesus in red)).

Okay, sob story over. You’re probably thinking “seriously? This is what you’re complaining about? People are dying, and this is what you’re worried about?”

That is a very valid point. I am so incredibly blessed with people and things that I do not deserve in the slightest. My family has always been the most loving, supportive group of people I could ever ask for. Nothing they ever did contributed to my own insecurity. That is rooted in my own need to feel perfect, included, and enough. I want my life to be guided by God and full of service to Him and His people. So, this is what I’m thinking: how can I serve God to the best of my ability if my focus is plagued by negating thoughts about my own person? I want to set my eyes fully on Jesus- not on the world and what it offers- and pursue him wholeheartedly. I also know that so many people struggle with self-image. We are living in a world where women are expected to be both slim AND curvy (which is crazy), and men are expected to have the bodies of Greek gods. You can deny these claims all you want, but in the end, this is true. On top of these standards, we live in a state of comparison. Comparison is so easy in a world where everyone sees everyone via social media. I want to share my story and how I’m fighting to trade insecurity for confidence.

When fighting these issues, where do you even start? I fought with this notion for a very long time. First and foremost, check your priorities. Whose opinion do you value the most? Is it your family’s? Your friends’? That guy who says he likes you but still texts seven other girls all the time (I’ve been there honey- not worth it)? “Pleasing” others is important in many situations, but never in your fight with issues such as this. Your eyes and focus should not be centered on creation, but on your Creator. When God made the world, He made everything exactly as it should be- “it was very good” (Genesis 1:31 NLT). Even though we choose to sin daily, God still believes this about us. He designed us according to His own plan. We are exactly as He intended to be.

Not only does God think these good things about us, but He showed His love through actions. When God sent Jesus to save us, He knew what would have to happen. God knew that Jesus would be beaten, mocked, and tortured to the point of death. But He sent Him anyway. Why? God wants us to be with Him. He is willing to come down as a human and suffer the most gruesome type of execution in the history of humanity so that He can have us once again.

Dang.

This puts our worth in perspective, doesn’t it? Understanding God’s heart and His intentions helps us to see that we ARE worth it. Sometimes it’s easy to let this slip away. Our focus can be pulled away by other things. However, once your foundation is grounded in His love and you understand what Jesus did for you, you will have the tools necessary to fight this battle.

In Ephesians 6, Paul says to “put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (verses 13-17 NIV) Wow! Paul couldn’t have stated any clearer the tools necessary to fight off any battle, and this passage can apply to any situation. To fight off Satan’s lies, all we need is an understanding of the truth of the gospel, faith that God will always protect us, knowledge of the word God has given us in the Bible, the strength to fight off temptation, and a union with the Holy Spirit. With these things, we can truly do anything!

That being said, your battle will not be easy. Satan comes at us with everything he’s got. He doesn’t hold back. However, Jesus has paid the ultimate price to make you brand new, and nothing the world says, how someone makes you feel, or even anything Satan could ever do can take that away.  

I know that this battle is not exactly a walk in the park. Trust me, I’ve been fighting it for a long time. I continue to struggle with this every day, but because of Jesus and his love for me, I have the courage to fight against this. If you are someone who struggles with worth, body image, shame, or anything else of the sort, I encourage you to lay your burdens on Jesus. He will surely not only give you rest, but he will give you power, courage, and confidence.

If you are struggling with this issue and need someone to walk with you on your journey, please feel free to send me a message!